God I’ve just been an emotional wreck lately. Like I truly have know idea why I’ve been feeling so out of control with my emotions lately! My emotions have been ALL OVER THE PLACE. On that I have to say though that I am grateful to have the sweetest, caring, attentive, most loving and supportive husband in the world. I can’t talk you have grateful I am that he’s been coming home and rubbing my feet without asking. Giving me massages, and cooking food. He’s been asking if I want/need to just sit and talk. So much more I could say but it wouldn’t even halfway sum up how much it helps me especially battling with mental health issues. Him ( outside of god of course ) has TRULY BEEN MY ROCK MAN. I literally sometimes feel like that man is my sanctuary. I’m literally SO AT PEACE WHEN I AM AROUND HIM! Moving along as the highly sensitive person that I am I realized that I have a big issue with feeling like people are crossing boundaries with me. I say all that to say I’m definitely STRONGLY enforcing my boundaries. To ANY and EVERYONE. For so long letting people cross my boundaries and not speaking up for myself was making me feel almost physically I’ll. I was always struggling, thinking, rethinking, and overthinking everything. I would have conversations and hours late be over analyzing everything I said. Wondering if I said anything offensive or hurtful. Wondering if I said something in the nicest way possible and just so on and so forth. I got so used to worrying about others and their thoughts and opinions of me that I completely lost sight of myself and my thoughts and feelings. As I grow older and learn myself more I’m starting to realize that I am sensitive, that I do let people cross boundaries a lot of the time and that I simply DON’T LIKE THAT. In doing therapy once a week it has helped me grow bold in my stance on guarding my heart and my space. It’s helped me realize that there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that I have no space or energy for negativity or anything else that is going to weigh me down on top of my day to day activities and life as a woman, wife and mother of 2. Im not saying that I am perfect at setting boundaries or speaking up just yet but I am definitely well on my way.
I know that I mentioned to you guys in a previous blog how I was working on EBONY, getting to know EBONY and what makes EBONY HAPPY. I feel like that is exactly what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve learned that I don’t have to answer my phone or feel obligated to just because it ringing. I don’t have to respond to a text right away. I don’t have to say yes to others invites or feel obligated to be in attendance when I am feeling like I need alone time. I don’t have to offer explanations up as to why I am not doing those things either. In life you have to choose yourself because realistically other people are doing the same. I’m also working on not being so premature and hasty in my decision making and in the things and choices I make in my life. I literally tell myself now that if I need hours, days, weeks, months etc to decide then that is OK. I know that I want to be someone who’s YES IS A YES AND THEIR NO IS A NO. I’m very hard on myself but learning how to pause and be patient with myself as well. This journey has been very interesting, hard, beautiful and fulfilling. Idk what’s next for me but I know that my next step in life is going to be beautiful. I’ve decided that as a birthday gift to myself I will be rededicating myself to the lord and getting baptized. I’ve thought about it and feel like I received confirmation from the lord so so quickly. It is such a huge step seeing as I was last baptized at 5 but it is a step that I feel like will make me a step closer to the Ebony I want to be in my journey to self discovery. It will be a perfect birthday gift to myself.
But enough of my rambling. I have to say that it feels so good to put words on paper and to release my deepest thoughts to you all. It’s been a while since I’ve wrote and it’s so therapeutic for me. my healing and my journey. Like I said not sure what’s next for me but until then I’ll just been waiting to hear from God !
Talk to you guys later✌🏾